Casting Crumbs

One of our favorite things to do in Florida each day was to comb the beaches for the beautiful shells.  When the tide would go out you could really score some finds!

So we started finding these conch shells but there were these snails living in them and no matter how hard we pulled, we couldn’t get them out.  So what do you do?

Step 1:  Google how to get a snail out of a conch.

Step 2:  Boil the shells for about 3 minutes

Step 3:  Being careful not to burn yourself on the hot shell, pop the snail out of the shell.

Step 4:  Oooh and Ahhh over the amazingly nasty creature. Eat them if you want to.

Step 5:  Reboil the shell to get it good and clean. Enjoy the shells!

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Of  course I must show you another sunset.  You can never get tired of a beach sunset!

I’ve been home from Florida for a couple weeks now.  It was a wonderful trip but I wasn’t expecting to have such a hard time adjusting to being at home again.  While I was away, halfway through my week I realized I hadn’t thought about the grief of my Mom and honestly, it was so nice.  The break in tormenting emotions was such a nice reprieve.  I could bask in the warm sun, watch my children play in the surf and could truly enjoy no sadness or gray tinged days.

On the way home I glanced at a lady an aisle over on the plane and she was wearing the same sandals that my mom had worn for months.   They were a pair that were made for extreme comfort and had all the velcro straps across them for adjusting to your foot.  I remembered when Mom bought hers and how they were so dressy and cute.  A year later she was still wearing them in the winter with socks because her feet were so swollen she couldn’t wear her other shoes.   So many memories began to flood my thoughts and I blinked back tears and realized what I was facing when I would land in normal life again.

As we left the airport that afternoon, I felt the heaviness return and settle on me in a very tangible way.  After every trip I always called Mom to tell her we were home and then over the next few days I would recount every detail to her.  She always wanted to know it all; every adventure, conversation and the funny things the kids would say.  She would study my pictures as if memorizing them to really put herself there with us.

There would be no phone call this time.  No funny stories retold to her or pictures to go through.  Just a feeling of longing to talk to her so badly that I could not shake.  I was sinking.   If you have ever been depressed, it is a scary feeling to know that you are emotionally spiraling down a dark hole but are powerless to change it or stop it.  You reach for whatever comfort you can find trying to cheer yourself.  You try to talk yourself out of it, reasoning with emotions and raw wounds.  It  doesn’t work.

I have found that in  the midst of  my grief, the one person I can run to for comfort is Jesus.  If you don’t know Him this may not make a lot of sense but He really is real and when I bare my heart to Him there is comfort.  The Old Testament Isaiah prophesied that the Messiah would be “Wonderful Counselor” and I am finding Him to be that.

I read a verse a few weeks ago and I continually go back to over and over.  It has meant so much to me I thought I would share it.  I know there has to be some of you that are going through a hard time too.  Something you are powerless to control, but you are subject to walk it through until you see it’s end or it gets better.

Psalm 94:19  In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul.

I have meditated on this.  I love that God has comforts (plural) for each different hurt that we feel.  His comfort is not just  a neutral blanket of “comfort” that is the same for every hurt, every trial and every person.  No, he knows what type of comfort that I need for every variety of problem that shows up each day.  That in itself is comforting to my despondent soul.

I’m not saying that I read a verse or spend time with Christ and I magically come out of the hole of hurt and despair.  I don’t get up from my chair wanting to skip down the road with a flower in my hand.  It’s more like He pours resolve, perseverance and peace into me.  He gives me a small measure and dose of Hope for the day.  Enough to give me an extra smile for my children and an outlook that someday the pain will lessen and I may want to pick a flower and skip.  So if you are reading this and you have a dusty Bible on the shelf, pick it up and open to the middle of the book.  There you will find Psalms.  It is filled with words for a weary and depleted soul.

If  you read something that helps, please post it and share it with me.  I am all about gathering words of comfort right now.

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Disclaimer:  I want to make sure that everyone understands that I  really am doing well.  I am just working through my grief.  I have ups and downs as I go throughout my days and I am just being real on my blog.  Because this is what real life is all about:  the good and the bad, the happy and sad, the joy and the pain, the satisfactions and the longings.  In the midst of it all, God is good all the time.

While at St. Pete Beach we took out for a 1/2 day fishing trip.  We left John’s Pass at Medeira Beach on a fishing boat that had about 30 people on it.  We had two Mates that helped us with our tackle, bait and fish and they were great!  We had a captain and a cook in the galley.  We left early in the morning and they took us out about an hour from shore and then we fished for several hours before heading back.

We were mostly fishing for gray snapper, mackerel and king fish but we caught a lot of other interesting fish along the way.

Here is Jaden holding a gray snapper that he caught.

This is cut squid and we used it for our bait.  The mates would bait your hook, take off the fish or whatever you needed help with.  You can do as much as you want on your own, or get as much help as you need.  After you would catch the fish, they assigned you a stringer number and each time you caught a fish they would add it to your stringer.

This is an interesting fish that attaches itself to a shark and it would literally attach itself to anything on the boat.  The mates took it and stuck it on the boat wall to show us.

We DID catch some sharks too.  Tom got a hold of one that was so big we never saw it.  It bit his line right off.   I was reeling in a fish when a shark came and ate the fish on my hook!  I had it to the top of the water but it also snapped my line.  Then Julian hooked one and almost had it in the boat but got tangled with several other lines and lost it.  I had no idea we would see that many sharks out there.

I caught this cute little puffer fish.  When the mate would take it off the hook they would blow into it and it would puff up.  They look like a rubber ball.

We also caught a lot of grouper, like the one Julian has here.  They had to be 20 inches to keep them. I think only one person on the boat got to keep one.

After we came back to John’s Pass, they gave us our stringer of fish and they would  fillet them right there.  We had the restaurant just up the stairs prepare our fish for us.   The fish was great but can’t say much about the rest of their food.

This was a very memorable day for all of us.  The weather was beautiful, the ocean blue/green.  We saw dolphin and sea turtles as we went.  I would highly recommend going if you are ever in Florida!

I can’t end this post without showing you the sunset that night…

We’re Back from our family trip to St. Pete Beach, Florida.  We have had our trip planned since February and it finally arrived!  We were starting to get concerned about the oil problem but the beaches  were absolutely beautiful.  It saddened me to look at all the beauty and wonder if it will be ruined in a few weeks or months by the oil.

My next few posts will highlight some of the  adventures we had on our trip and show some pictures.  I hope you enjoy them.

We left the airport early on Monday morning with much excitement.  The kids had never flown before and so they were a little nervous and excited.  Everything went very smoothly and I was so glad that we had non-stop flights to Tampa.

The kids wanted to sit together in a row by themselves and were very brave.

We arrived in Tampa and drove to St. Pete Beach where our lodging was.  We stayed at the Plaza Beach Resort and it was an excellent place for a family of 5 to stay.

It was right on the beach, had a nice pool, the rooms had full kitchens and lots of storage space, 2 beds and a pull out couch for plenty of beds.

Outside of the rooms were patio tables and chairs which gave you extra room too.

It was one of the better trips where we didn’t feel like we were on top of one  another in the room!

As soon as we got unpacked and settled, we all got our suits on and headed to the beach to experience the ocean.  This was another first for the kids.  It was extremely windy that afternoon and the waves were really high.

This is Julian in the ocean.  You can see that the waves are pretty high.  This is not typical for the Gulf area.  The waves are normally pretty small.  The boys immediately started begging for boogie boards and we went that evening and found some.  Evely was overwhelmed by the waves but was enthralled by all the seashells.

Stay tuned for more….

Slow Cooker Lasagna

1 lb ground beef
1 jar spaghetti sauce
1 cup water
1 container ricotta cheese (15 oz)
1 package (3 cups) shredded mozzarella
1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese, divided
1 egg
2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
6 lasagna noodles, uncooked

* Brown meat, drain, stir in spaghetti sauce and water.
* In a bowl mix ricotta, 1 1/2 cups mozzarella cheese, 2 Tbsp Parmesan, egg and parsley.
* Spoon 1 cup meat sauce into slow cooker
* Top with 3 uncooked noodles, broken to fit
* Top with 1/2 of cheese mixture
* Cover with 2 cups of remaining meat sauce
* Top with remaining noodles, cheese mixture and meat sauce.
* Cook on low 6 hours or until liquid is absorbed.
* Sprinkle with remaining cheeses, let stand, covered for 10 minutes or until melted and serve.

** I simmer an extra jar of sauce on the stove and spoon over each serving for those who like the extra sauce. Deee-lish!

This recipe is scrumptious! It is my favorite lasagna recipe that I have found.

Snicker Pie the Pucker Poo

When weighing the decision of adding a puppy to our home
The thoughts were always so similar
Happy romps in the yard, long walks on a leash and a friend who would stay put and not roam.

So off to the pound to pick out a pooch our hopes were oh so high
A little puppy dog with eyes of brown gold
Floppy ears, a curly tail and a personality that fit with our family just right.

Home came the Snickers and our trials began to appear
For the dog is work and the care never ends
bathing and feeding, training and treats, muddy paws, munched toys, paper shredded, Oh dear!

On occasion this friend of man runs to the neighbor next door
To eat the horse poo and roll it in it with glee
Back home he comes to screaming children and the chagrin of all and will probably throw it up on my floor.

So why do I love this Snickers, this thing of a dog
For he does nothing for himself
Except to be himself; happy, dirty, loving and kind. Sits on my lap and licks my wounds, lifts my spirits out of a bog.

He brings nothing to our home but work it seems
a mangy mutt that wants to please
Bringing his ball, his rope, his love. To sleep with the boys and to rule the house if he deems.

So how did he sneak himself into my soul
That I find I sit and look at him
Always stop to pat him, talk to him and stroke. For he truly is a friend, a constant companion that has completed our family, making it whole.

I paws….

Thoughts collected.

This must be what I am like to my Savior, no less
Adopted only by His grace
I bring nothing except only me; a girl who can tend to pout, chasing the frivolous, and left to myself always makes a mess.

Yet He delights in me and knows me
Always bringing me back
Sitting me on His Holy knees, kissing boo boos, wiping tears, scrubbing dirty spots and the continual training for what I will one day be.

Yup, it’s time for a change and no, it’s not my own face. Hopefully, you noticed the changes when you pulled up my blog and I hope that all of you out there like it. I appreciate any feedback you may have. This is still a work in progress and we are working to change the header at the top. As much as I LOVE coffee, it’s not what I’m really going for. So pardon the mess as we remodel…

Kudos to James who always helps me with this! Thank you, James!!

Please notice you may now sign up for emails that will come to you whenever I write a new post to my blog. You won’t have to constantly check my site for new postings, but it will just show up in your inbox. It is safe and will not put your computer in danger of spam or any other evils floating around out there.

In deciding to change my blog, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all the posts, updates and information that I had on my Mom. This is very sacred to me and it was the main reason that I even began this blog. So what do I do with it? How do you just package up a journey and make it so simple? There was no easy answer, so I did the best that I could… I have made a new category of “Mom’s Journey to Freedom” that you will see in the categories. This now houses the posts and online journey that we have all taken together. It is now in one place for reference to anyone who wants to go back and remember, read, cry or laugh. It is also there for anyone new to my site who may be struggling with an illness themselves and would like to find encouragement and strength from our experience.

I must say that revising my blog is a new starting point for me. I feel as though the past two months I have been camped out in the grey shadows with vast mountains to my back. In front of me is a wide open place, sunny and full of promise; it beckons to me and I can’t quite explain why I don’t run to it. When I look behind I see those deep, cavernous mountains that I climbed, scaled, scrambled and hiked. For the last five years it has been this way but all the while I was traveling with my Mom. I longed for this day when I would reach the base of these mountains and finally see something, anything different. A quiet plain, something peaceful; even something boring. Yet, I had not really counted the cost that to leave the mountains meant to bury my traveling companion. I would have to emerge from the shadows alone.

So I have sat for two months. Not daring to move forward. I want to and I feel like I am about to stand up and slap the dust off my jeans and take those first hesitant steps. They are coming…this change in my blog is one of the first movements.

Good things are ahead…

I will be glad and rejoice in Your love,
for You saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.
Psalm 31:7-8

This is my Mom a year ago today. April 19th is her birthday and she would have been 67. Instead she is a month and a day old in eternity…though in eternity I’m sure there is no time, no clocks, no calendar. I wonder today if someone noted that on earth it would have been her special day. Did my sweet Grandma wish her a happy birthday and bake her a cherry chip cake in the kitchens of heaven? What is it like? My heart feels homesick for heaven and eternity because I know that there is a growing party awaiting me there with hugs and reunions that will never come to an end. No more death or sickness or cancer. No more longing.

Scripture talks about how God has “placed eternity in the heart of every man”. It’s true. With every loss I have experienced in 40 years of living, that longing for eternity grows bigger. For it is not an empty place, a distant speck inside my soul, but a growing part etched with names and faces tied to my very essence. They have helped to make me…”me”. People I have loved, watched, looked up to and learned from. Babies I never chanced to name or even hold. A whole group of people who helped to fashion my upbringing by passing down my heritage. This is what continually draws my focus heavenward and causes me to yearn.

When this picture was taken a year ago, my Mom had turned down a new path in her journey with this disease. I remember she sat in this chair the entire evening and really tried to put on a happy face even though she felt terrible. I had to bring her birthday cake to her to blow out the candles, because the effort to come to the table was too much. My heart had begun to ache for her about this time because I knew this was different. This wasn’t a path we had walked before; it had been altered and was very decided. It wasn’t the wide road filled with drug options, hope filled verdicts and dropping tumor markers after rounds of chemo. This was a narrow trail, uphill and rugged and I felt like I could no longer walk beside her but only shout encouragement from a parallel and distant road. When she would stumble, fall and dashed hopes were bloodied knees, I could only watch with outstretched hands that seemingly hit a glass wall before I could ever actually touch her.

It was on this path, alone and watching that that I began to learn to test-drive my faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1) There is a small chasm between hope and faith. I think for so long I had “hoped” in God and in the outcome for Mom. But when we hit this road something else changed and faith was added to my hope as it was all I had left. Amazingly, the outcome was an unexplainable peace. Faith is actually being able to let go, to rest. That sounds so petty and simple but it was profound. When all “hope” becomes lost faith can keep holding you up. Not faith in self or providence, but in Christ alone. He is the rock that you can stand on. He doesn’t shift, shake or move. This rock provides great shade in the heat of battle and clefts in the rock when you need to sit a spell. He is above all and in all. He holds all things together by his word and he knows the ending at the very beginning. He is relentless with his love and he walks the lonely path with you. He never leaves or forsakes. He is merciful and doesn’t give us what we deserve. He deserves all that I can give him and at the very least my praise. Mom would say “God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.” I am not angry with Him for what happened with Mom. He is the answer to every question mark in my mind. He cares more for my character than my comfort and that humbles me.

This last year I saw Mom grow more in her reliance on God and in letting Him increase as she decreased. That is something I can only hope to attain as I walk my seemingly charmed existence when compared to hers. To have a simple outlook of whatever He wills, then that I will accept. If I can learn that one life lesson from her and pass it on to my children, then it will eventually come full circle as our paths cross again when it’s my turn to go Home. When I one day walk again with her…

Happy Birthday, sweet Mom. How I miss you.

I have been looking at this blog of mine and wondering what to do with it….

This blog was born in a place of hope, during a horrific time of new pain in my life. It was started as a place to record and capture the moments of life during Mom’s fight with cancer. The fight is over, she has laid down her sword and her shield and turned it in for a new body and a heavenly home. I’m jealous of her. Who would have ever thought this blog would have lasted this long. None of us knew and as I look back throughout the pages of time I am wonderfully appreciative of the months and years that I was given with my Mom. I am also glad that every step was recorded here and that as I go back and read from a different perspective, I am blessed by it all.

During her illness I became even closer to her than ever. She went from Mom, advice-giver, nurturer to an unbelievable friend. I’m glad I recorded the moments in this blog and I now see the preciousness of my relationship with her. Walking with someone who is dying of cancer is not something I would have ever chosen for my life. Yet for her, I was honored to walk every step with her. I honestly hope I don’t ever have to do that again. There is something very magical and momentous that happens when you are in a relationship that is fragile because of a life-threatening disease. It causes the bonds of love and support to deepen and strengthen much further than if it hadn’t been. Yet because of it, now the pain of separation is very deep and very strong too.

Many times I have referred to hearing pages turn, chapters close and time swiftly fleeing as I see my kids grow and change. This is the first time I heard a book shut. It was not a slam. It wasn’t noisy and abrupt. It was a savoring of the last and final page. Breath and reading slowing down to put the polished quiet touch on the last and final word. Then a moment to pause; to let the entire story settle upon you. Then slowly the back of the book is closed upon the pages. Finished. That’s what it was like.

Life continues. My kids keep growing and changing. The world still moves at a very fast pace. Yet, I sit and feel like I am moving through jello. Like I want to be in the pace that I was, but somehow I can’t. There are moments I forget that she is gone, but they are so short lived. For life keeps reminding me of her absence. She is a habit in my life that keeps coming up and I find that I replace it with….I don’t know. Just whatever is there at the moment.

I have now entered a new time in my life. I have been enrolled in the school of grief. The training I will receive here will be priceless; even as the school of cancer has been in so many ways. Losing my Mother will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father. As hard as this class is, I cannot drop out. I must finish it and it could be a very long one. BUT, when I come through it I pray I will be wiser, humbler, more loving and kind. I pray that I will look less like me and more like the one who made me.

So this blog takes a turn. I promise not to write only sad things, but there may be some. A new book has begun and it is my choices that will determine the flavor and themes of the pages. It can be pathetic or passionate. As my Mom would always say “you can let it make you bitter, or let it make you better”…. I hope to make it better.

Thank you so much for all the love that each of you have given to us. We appreciate all the very loving support and prayers that have been sent our way. You cannot even begin to know how much we feel loved and supported. So THANK YOU!