I’ve been home from Florida for a couple weeks now. It was a wonderful trip but I wasn’t expecting to have such a hard time adjusting to being at home again. While I was away, halfway through my week I realized I hadn’t thought about the grief of my Mom and honestly, it was so nice. The break in tormenting emotions was such a nice reprieve. I could bask in the warm sun, watch my children play in the surf and could truly enjoy no sadness or gray tinged days.
On the way home I glanced at a lady an aisle over on the plane and she was wearing the same sandals that my mom had worn for months. They were a pair that were made for extreme comfort and had all the velcro straps across them for adjusting to your foot. I remembered when Mom bought hers and how they were so dressy and cute. A year later she was still wearing them in the winter with socks because her feet were so swollen she couldn’t wear her other shoes. So many memories began to flood my thoughts and I blinked back tears and realized what I was facing when I would land in normal life again.
As we left the airport that afternoon, I felt the heaviness return and settle on me in a very tangible way. After every trip I always called Mom to tell her we were home and then over the next few days I would recount every detail to her. She always wanted to know it all; every adventure, conversation and the funny things the kids would say. She would study my pictures as if memorizing them to really put herself there with us.
There would be no phone call this time. No funny stories retold to her or pictures to go through. Just a feeling of longing to talk to her so badly that I could not shake. I was sinking. If you have ever been depressed, it is a scary feeling to know that you are emotionally spiraling down a dark hole but are powerless to change it or stop it. You reach for whatever comfort you can find trying to cheer yourself. You try to talk yourself out of it, reasoning with emotions and raw wounds. It doesn’t work.
I have found that in the midst of my grief, the one person I can run to for comfort is Jesus. If you don’t know Him this may not make a lot of sense but He really is real and when I bare my heart to Him there is comfort. The Old Testament Isaiah prophesied that the Messiah would be “Wonderful Counselor” and I am finding Him to be that.
I read a verse a few weeks ago and I continually go back to over and over. It has meant so much to me I thought I would share it. I know there has to be some of you that are going through a hard time too. Something you are powerless to control, but you are subject to walk it through until you see it’s end or it gets better.
Psalm 94:19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul.
I have meditated on this. I love that God has comforts (plural) for each different hurt that we feel. His comfort is not just a neutral blanket of “comfort” that is the same for every hurt, every trial and every person. No, he knows what type of comfort that I need for every variety of problem that shows up each day. That in itself is comforting to my despondent soul.
I’m not saying that I read a verse or spend time with Christ and I magically come out of the hole of hurt and despair. I don’t get up from my chair wanting to skip down the road with a flower in my hand. It’s more like He pours resolve, perseverance and peace into me. He gives me a small measure and dose of Hope for the day. Enough to give me an extra smile for my children and an outlook that someday the pain will lessen and I may want to pick a flower and skip. So if you are reading this and you have a dusty Bible on the shelf, pick it up and open to the middle of the book. There you will find Psalms. It is filled with words for a weary and depleted soul.
If you read something that helps, please post it and share it with me. I am all about gathering words of comfort right now.
Disclaimer:I want to make sure that everyone understands that I really am doing well. I am just working through my grief. I have ups and downs as I go throughout my days and I am just being real on my blog. Because this is what real life is all about: the good and the bad, the happy and sad, the joy and the pain, the satisfactions and the longings. In the midst of it all, God is good all the time.