I have been looking at this blog of mine and wondering what to do with it….
This blog was born in a place of hope, during a horrific time of new pain in my life. It was started as a place to record and capture the moments of life during Mom’s fight with cancer. The fight is over, she has laid down her sword and her shield and turned it in for a new body and a heavenly home. I’m jealous of her. Who would have ever thought this blog would have lasted this long. None of us knew and as I look back throughout the pages of time I am wonderfully appreciative of the months and years that I was given with my Mom. I am also glad that every step was recorded here and that as I go back and read from a different perspective, I am blessed by it all.
During her illness I became even closer to her than ever. She went from Mom, advice-giver, nurturer to an unbelievable friend. I’m glad I recorded the moments in this blog and I now see the preciousness of my relationship with her. Walking with someone who is dying of cancer is not something I would have ever chosen for my life. Yet for her, I was honored to walk every step with her. I honestly hope I don’t ever have to do that again. There is something very magical and momentous that happens when you are in a relationship that is fragile because of a life-threatening disease. It causes the bonds of love and support to deepen and strengthen much further than if it hadn’t been. Yet because of it, now the pain of separation is very deep and very strong too.
Many times I have referred to hearing pages turn, chapters close and time swiftly fleeing as I see my kids grow and change. This is the first time I heard a book shut. It was not a slam. It wasn’t noisy and abrupt. It was a savoring of the last and final page. Breath and reading slowing down to put the polished quiet touch on the last and final word. Then a moment to pause; to let the entire story settle upon you. Then slowly the back of the book is closed upon the pages. Finished. That’s what it was like.
Life continues. My kids keep growing and changing. The world still moves at a very fast pace. Yet, I sit and feel like I am moving through jello. Like I want to be in the pace that I was, but somehow I can’t. There are moments I forget that she is gone, but they are so short lived. For life keeps reminding me of her absence. She is a habit in my life that keeps coming up and I find that I replace it with….I don’t know. Just whatever is there at the moment.
I have now entered a new time in my life. I have been enrolled in the school of grief. The training I will receive here will be priceless; even as the school of cancer has been in so many ways. Losing my Mother will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father. As hard as this class is, I cannot drop out. I must finish it and it could be a very long one. BUT, when I come through it I pray I will be wiser, humbler, more loving and kind. I pray that I will look less like me and more like the one who made me.
So this blog takes a turn. I promise not to write only sad things, but there may be some. A new book has begun and it is my choices that will determine the flavor and themes of the pages. It can be pathetic or passionate. As my Mom would always say “you can let it make you bitter, or let it make you better”…. I hope to make it better.