Casting Crumbs

I have been looking at this blog of mine and wondering what to do with it….

This blog was born in a place of hope, during a horrific time of new pain in my life. It was started as a place to record and capture the moments of life during Mom’s fight with cancer. The fight is over, she has laid down her sword and her shield and turned it in for a new body and a heavenly home. I’m jealous of her. Who would have ever thought this blog would have lasted this long. None of us knew and as I look back throughout the pages of time I am wonderfully appreciative of the months and years that I was given with my Mom. I am also glad that every step was recorded here and that as I go back and read from a different perspective, I am blessed by it all.

During her illness I became even closer to her than ever. She went from Mom, advice-giver, nurturer to an unbelievable friend. I’m glad I recorded the moments in this blog and I now see the preciousness of my relationship with her. Walking with someone who is dying of cancer is not something I would have ever chosen for my life. Yet for her, I was honored to walk every step with her. I honestly hope I don’t ever have to do that again. There is something very magical and momentous that happens when you are in a relationship that is fragile because of a life-threatening disease. It causes the bonds of love and support to deepen and strengthen much further than if it hadn’t been. Yet because of it, now the pain of separation is very deep and very strong too.

Many times I have referred to hearing pages turn, chapters close and time swiftly fleeing as I see my kids grow and change. This is the first time I heard a book shut. It was not a slam. It wasn’t noisy and abrupt. It was a savoring of the last and final page. Breath and reading slowing down to put the polished quiet touch on the last and final word. Then a moment to pause; to let the entire story settle upon you. Then slowly the back of the book is closed upon the pages. Finished. That’s what it was like.

Life continues. My kids keep growing and changing. The world still moves at a very fast pace. Yet, I sit and feel like I am moving through jello. Like I want to be in the pace that I was, but somehow I can’t. There are moments I forget that she is gone, but they are so short lived. For life keeps reminding me of her absence. She is a habit in my life that keeps coming up and I find that I replace it with….I don’t know. Just whatever is there at the moment.

I have now entered a new time in my life. I have been enrolled in the school of grief. The training I will receive here will be priceless; even as the school of cancer has been in so many ways. Losing my Mother will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father. As hard as this class is, I cannot drop out. I must finish it and it could be a very long one. BUT, when I come through it I pray I will be wiser, humbler, more loving and kind. I pray that I will look less like me and more like the one who made me.

So this blog takes a turn. I promise not to write only sad things, but there may be some. A new book has begun and it is my choices that will determine the flavor and themes of the pages. It can be pathetic or passionate. As my Mom would always say “you can let it make you bitter, or let it make you better”…. I hope to make it better.

Thank you so much for all the love that each of you have given to us. We appreciate all the very loving support and prayers that have been sent our way. You cannot even begin to know how much we feel loved and supported. So THANK YOU!

Dear All -

I am writing as a final chapter in the jouney we have all taken together with my Mom. Today, March 18th, Mom has gone home to be with Jesus. Her final moments here on earth were peaceful and she slipped into eternity in a very peaceful way.

Dad called me at 3:30 this morning and asked me to come, and she passed away around 6:00a.m. I’m thankful I was here with her for those last moments.

Thank you for your continued prayers for my family as we make decisions and plan the funeral. I will post the funeral information when we know more.

Karen

Here are a couple of pictures we took the night we put her bedroom back together. I didn’t get the bed made with her pink sheets, so that doesn’t exactly look the way I wanted it to in the pictures. However, I was mainly taking pictures of the walls and the new color. Out with the blue and in with the girly pink! She loves her new room. We would go check on her late that night and she would be laying there eyes wide open, looking around with a smile on her face. I would say “Evely, you really need to go to sleep now.” She would say “I know, Mom, I just can’t close my eyes. They want to look at everything!”

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Regarding my Mom: She came home last Tuesday and has settled back in pretty well. We moved her bed to the living room so that she is a part of everything going on there. They had an occupational therapist come out today to have her evaluated. They thought she was doing well and will be working toward getting her out of bed and into a chair on the next visits.

Just a quick note to let you all know that Mom is leaving Hospice House on Tuesday. We are starting to get the house ready for her arrival. Appreciate all your continued prayers.

I’ve been also getting Evely a new bedroom. She turns the BIG 5 years old this week and so she has requested a pink room that looks like a girl. I think she is tired of the boys leftovers and the blue. So Tom and I have spent a good part of the weekend painting. I’m excited to get her room done and will post picks when it’s finished.

Hello everyone -

I was at Hospice House today to visit my Mom and heard some great news. The Dr. comes by each day to see her and check on how she is doing. Mom asked her today how things were and she told Mom “very well….in fact, so well that you can start thinking about going home.” That was quite an amazing shock! Compared to those first days after we took Mom to H.H., she has really come along. She still has a long ways to go, but we are headed in a better direction.

The thought of going home excites Mom but also creates a lot of apprehension as to her care, comfort, meds, etc. So she would appreciate prayer for wisdom and direction as we think about this. They will not kick her out of H.H. and told her to think about next week sometime. However, we do need to begin to make plans, maybe see about therapy and other ideas to get her ready for this major move. Thank you for your continued prayers for my family! They mean more than you could ever know.

It has been two weeks since we moved Mom to Hospice House on New Year’s Eve. That was not a very fun evening for our family, but since then we have come a long way.

The Hospice House really is as beautiful as they had told us! The hospitality of the staff and volunteers is amazing. The building is very homey and doesn’t look at all like a nursing home or hospital. It’s more like a small hotel. The rooms are very large and nicely decorated, lots of bookshelves for pictures and things. She has a big window and a couch, chairs and table, desk and huge bathroom. Three people can actually sleep in Mom’s room every night, but so far Dad is the only one who has stayed. They have big family rooms with fire places, hot coffee, soups and bread and kitchens for our use.

Dad has been living there with Mom and it’s such a blessing for them. They can now really enjoy one another’s company without all the stress of managing medications and all the daily personal care that Mom needs. He seems to be doing well.

Mom, of course, loves on everyone that comes into her room and I think everyone that leaves feels as blessed as Mom does with their visit. She has come a LONG way and is doing pretty well. She isn’t out of bed at all yet, but her appetite has returned, her body is functioning well and she seems to be gaining in strength.

I spoke to her Dr. today and she said that Mom has really settled into a good “groove”. She has stabilized and we are definitely no longer looking at “days” but more like “weeks”. I am wondering if we may see those “weeks” turn into “months”.

Mom has really been a pillar of faith in God. She is really believing that God can raise her up out of this bed and she can walk out of Hospice House if that is His will for her. She knows that she may not, and may go Home to be with Him, but until then we just look to Him for all the answers for her life. Her mantra right now that everyone will hear her say is “NOTHING is impossible with God”. She said she has always known that and believed it, but now she believes it to her core and she is placing her faith there. No matter what the outcome.

I know that many of you were wondering what is happening with her and I hope this helps to give you some more answers for now. Thank you for all your prayers and support! It has been wonderful…

This is a short post to let all of you know of Mom’s progress. We enjoyed a nice quiet Christmas morning together. She was able to sit and enjoy everyone opening gifts.

Things have steadily declined since then. Today her nurse was here and evaluated her and we decided together that it was time to move her to Hospice House. They will be moving her today sometime. This will greatly give us the help we need with 24 hour nursing staff and Dr’s. It is not a nursing home but we hear it has a beautiful atmosphere, very peaceful and quiet. It’s set up more like a house with a family room and kitchen for us. We can stay with her 24 hours a day there.

This is but another step in our journey. This is not hopeless or a dead end for her. She is but a few hours or days away from her real Home in heaven and to be free of a body that is keeping her soul from freedom. I am so thankful for the hope that we have in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am thankful that His blood paved the way for our salvation for our eternal home and hope when we die.

These are some verses that I have read recently that I thought I would share…

II Corinthians 5

We know that the earthly tent we live in will be destroyed. But we have a building made by God. It is a house in heaven that lasts forever. Human hands did not build it.

During our time on earth we groan. We long to put on our house in heaven as if it were clothing. Then we will not be naked.

While we live in this tent of ours, we groan under our heavy load. We don’t want to be naked. We want to be dressed with our house in heaven. What must die will be swallowed up by life.

God has made us for that very purpose. He has given us the Holy Spirit as a down payment. The Spirit makes us sure of what is still to come.

So here is what we can always be certain about. As long as we are at home in our bodies, we are away from the Lord. We live by believing, not by seeing. We are certain about that. We would rather be away from our bodies and at home with the Lord. So we try our best to please him. We want to please him whether we are at home in our bodies or away from them.

Our Love to all of you…

Karen

Well, the Christmas Season has crept right upon us and I hope this finds all of you in the Christmas spirit and enjoying all those traditions we find ourselves engaging in year after year. It’s such a great time for remembering and enjoying the wonderment of salvation and the birth of the Savior that provided it for us.

Many of you continue to ask how my Mom is and what’s going on with her now. So this will be a brief update.

She is doing much better for now! She is resting better, eating better and has cut back on the pain meds they initially had put her on. She is in good spirits and continues to trust our Good and Heavenly Father for His will in her life. While the Hospice nurses are doing all they can to make her comfortable and also “prepare” her for the end. She is comforted by the fact that in Christ, her life is hidden and she is already prepared for whatever may come.

She is looking at life as being further down the road now and is sure she will be here for Christmas. That is so nice to see and hear from her! Thanks so much for all the encouragement and prayers.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Many of you are asking about Mom and how she is doing since coming home from the hospital…

She is resting much more comfortably than before, thanks to Hospice and good medicines that can keep her comfortable. She has visits from nurses that come 4 times a week to check on her and make sure that she has everything she needs. They are wonderful and really help us with many things like medications and personal care; I consider them a true blessing.

We are all doing pretty well, considering this is a very sobering time that we are working through in Mom’s fight with cancer. Mom’s spirits are good and she talks of Heaven often. It’s interesting to hear her thoughts on heaven as they come from someone who is looking forward to being there in the near future.

Thank you again for all your prayers and well-wishes as we appreciate them so much and truly feel God’s presence. I am learning that during this Thanksgiving season that it’s not always the easy thing to give Thanks, yet we serve a God who deserves our praise and thanksgiving in every season of life.

I read this today and it encouraged me, so I thought I would share it here.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4.